Thursday, November 6, 2014

Pili , or how I feel about last weekends VPO.

Pili was born in Argentina to the sons of Italian Immigrants.Like most of us were at the time.  We all thought we were cool though. Supposedly someone had told his father that the Argentinians were in desperate need of a good pizza restaurant. They weren’t. But Pili's father believed them and started a restaurant anyway.

Pili's father had no idea how to make pizza. What he ended up making was a waffle with sauce. Which might have had a place in history if it had not already been invented and perfected.
So his family’s business went under and they were forced to become carpet lickers for the prince of Argentina who employed hundreds of carpet lickers to clean his palaces carpets. Really. They had people to lick the carpet. it happened. But they were very poor. And Pili dreamed big dreams of big things. One day Pili was being shoved out his window by his uncle, which in and of itself is an entirely different tale, and Pili fell onto his hands. But he balanced and stayed upright. Balancing upside down on his hands he started to walk around and soon was walking around on his hands all the time. The townspeople thought this was very odd. They decided that Pili’s destiny should be in the circus so without his family’s permission they all saved up enough money to send Pili to America to join a famous circus.
Turns out it wasn’t a very famous circus, just a small-town show outside Kansas. And it turns out they didn’t appreciate Pili’s hand walking skills, so they made him in charge of cleaning up the poop from the elephants. But Pili felt like he was on his way to the big time. He met a young lady named Katrina and fell in love with her. He would spend every moment that he wasn’t cleaning up poop with her, and she was enamored with him as well. They often talked of a better life together in the fields outside the circus.

 " Pili " she would say .." We can do better than cleaning up elephant poo. I love you and I know with your talent we can go far. " To which Pili would reply.. " your one crazy bitch, but I love you." and so it was.


Then one fateful day Pili was cleaning up some elephant poop when Katrina came by to say hello. She wasn’t paying attention and didn’t see the Rogue elephant sneak up behind her. It raised its mighty paw and before Pili noticed and could do anything to stop it or alert her the Mighty elephant crushed her. Blood and internal organs splattered all over Pili’s face as he screamed “nnnoooooooooo!!!!!”. He ran into the night as fast as he could crying uncontrollably until he blindly ran into a scarecrow in a field and was knocked unconscious. He awoke to see a rabbit staring at him from inches away and suddenly Pili had an Idea!! He would take what little savings he had and start a rabbit farm to make rabbit jerky and become rich so he could avenge his dear Katrina’s death by killing all the Elephants of the world in horribly unimaginative ways. I should note that Pili was not very imaginative so his decision and envisioned ways to kill Elephants were not very good. thankfully his thoughts would lead him in other directions. So off he went. A few years past and his first rabbit had steadily grown till he had fields and fields filled with rabbits and he was finally ready to start production of the rabbit jerky that he was sure would sell like rabbit jerky is known to sell. At this point he had all but forgotten about the horrible Elephants. fucking Pili!! hahahaha you gotta love him at this point.
But one fateful day (aren’t most days full of fate?) a Tornado came thru town and lifted all Pili’s rabbits into the sky like a wild rabbit roller coaster ride of death!! The tornado threw almost all the thousands of rabbits into some nearby ditches that happened to be filled with razor blades. All the rabbits died. So sad. If that wasn’t bad enough, after the tornado passed threw town, the towns children came out to play and they all saw the ditches with to them what appeared to be filled with cute fluffy rabbits. So they all ran playing merrily into the ditches with shouts of joy that turned to shouts of terror as they too became entangled in the rabbit encrusted razor blades that lined the ditch of death. The carnage was horrific!! By the time the parents had found the children they had all bled to death. oh.. the horror of it all. It didn’t take long for the parents to realize where the rabbits came from and soon they had all filed dozens of lawsuits against poor Pili.

 To make matters worse a parade of Elephants came through town the next day flaunting their superiority and spouting water gained from illicit means. fucking Elephants!!
Pili was devastated and went bankrupt and was forced to become a hobo. Wandering the railroad tracks of America in search of rabbits to kill and eat, and the occasional elephant. The end. [edit] : rumor has it Pili joined the band DEVO and recorded some vocals on "jerkin'back'n'forth" . If you listen closely to the track you can hear him sing away his lament. RIP Pili. respect!

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